Busy Procrastinating.

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See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna
as-seenon-tv
mostly-funnytwittertweets

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headspace-hotel

Plants what now

headspace-hotel

okay so apparently we just discovered that plants emit clicking sounds too high pitched for us to hear, and are noisy when they're stressed but quiet when content

There needs to be more research done into this, and as of now we can't say why the sounds happen but. WHAT.

headspace-hotel

I knew they could hear noises but apparently they MAKE noises too

fluffylandshark

When the Lorax said "I speak for the trees" he meant that he's a translator.

sorry
m4ge

i walk into starbucks and order a pumpkin spice latte with 13 shots of espresso. i tell the barista that i intend to transcend humanity and become a god. i ask for no whip cream

avantgaye

you say this jokingly but i had a customer actually order a pumpkin spice latte with 9 shots of espresso (also no whip) and when i asked her to verify that she did indeed want 9 shots of espresso she looked me dead in the eyes and said “i have 5 kids”

witchcraft-with-space-bean

I once had a woman come in and ordered an Americano with 19 shots of espresso. The drink took ages. It held up the line. I asked her why, and she shrugged and said “I just don’t care”. We still talk about that woman. We never saw her again.

anais-ninja-blog

new cryptid: exhausted woman at starbucks

katjohnadams

Actual conversation I had at register:

“Hi, welcome to [Starbucks]! What can I get you, today?”

“How much is it to fill a Venti with Espresso?”

“I- I’m sorry?”

“A venti cup. How much to fill it with Espresso?”

“Oh. uh. Well, it’d be I suppose… I only have a button for a Quad. I don’t have special pricing for twenty ounces of espresso in a single… drink.”

“Price is the furthest thing from my mind right now. How many ‘add shots’ is that?”

*deep breath of fear* “It’d be a quad with,” *clears throat* “uh, sixteen additional shots of espresso. But, ma’am, I should tell you that the shots will start to get really bitter if they have to sit and wait for us to pull twenty of them-”

“Taste means nothing to me.”

At this point I am truly fearing for my very existence in the presence of what must clearly be an eldritch being.

“Oh. Well, okay.” I put on my absolute best customer service smile to hide my terror and accept that I must face this dragon, fae, or demon with dignity. “We can certainly get that for you! The price will be _____.”

She begins to pay, I shit thee not, with golden dollar coins. We are a block from Wall Street, and this eldritch demi-being is paying for an unholy elixer with golden coins. My life will end soon, I am sure of it.

“Do you still have the ‘Add Energy’ packets?”

My heart began to race at this request. “Yes ma’am.”

“How many can I add?”

Futile though it is, at least I know the rote response to this. “For health reasons, we won’t add more than one per drink and we cannot sell the packets individually.”

“One then.”

I alter the order and tell her the new price. She pays, dumps the change and five golden dollars into the tip box. I write the order on the venti cup and pass it silently to the girl working the hot beverage station. Normally we called and pass, but this was … not something to be spoken aloud.

My fellow takes the cup, not thinking anything of the minor break with protocol, until she sees the order. She stares at me. “No.”

The woman, which I call her for no other greater insight into her terrifying being is within my grasp, simply stands on the other side and says, calmly but with a commanding tone I expect of Admirals in bad movies, “Yes.”

My fellow barista pales before her task. But we are dutiful, we are true to our task, great though it may be. She sets about clearing the two brand new Matrena’s of all distraction, and sets two tall cups in the ready position. The energy packet is emptied into the venti cup, and the shots begin pouring. 

The barista was damn near shaking. This woman’s gaze felt like the fires of the sun. Finally, the shots are pulled, the cup is filled, and the hand off takes place.

Our visiting Incomprehensible takes it to our milk bar and adds a dollop of cream. Satisfied, she proceeds to down what must have been half the damn cup.

Then she smiled at us, like a benediction and I was honestly filled with joy. And horror. She left, and we knew nothing more of her after that.

When I talk with other former employees, we quickly begin talking about “The Company” as if we’d never l, perhaps knowing that part of our soul still powers that awesome and terrible corporate machine. And when I share this stroy, other Baristas at first act shocked but quickly settle and comes the chorus, 

“Yeah, I had one like that.”

agingwunderkind

I made a five shot Americano for someone back in my barista days, and I thought HE was insane, now I’m just agog. 

jumpingjacktrash

the venti espresso woman was definitely a dragon

throwmeinboys

i dont know WHY but expresso is the only good coffee, everything else is compost water

doyouhearthunder

@phantom-tastic weirdest customer story?

phantom-tastic

We used to have this absolutely massive russian man come in every once in a while and order a grande americano with 7 shots of espresso (reg has 3) and it physically pained me to make it every time.

Ive had my fair share of everything-but-the-kitchen-sink frappuccino orders. People would ask us to blend 2, even 3 bananas into their drink… someone asked me to blend a chocolate chunk cookie into theirs once? It wasn’t half bad.

But my favourite weird customer is The Garlic Man. The past couple of months this man has come into our store, absolutely REEKING of raw garlic. He has a salt and pepper beard and an Indiana Jones hat. Orders “An Apple Chai”. That’s not a drink, at least not in sbux Canada. He explains to me it’s a chai tea latte where you substitute the hot water for steamed apple juice.

We make it. He has a southern accent so I ask him if he’s visiting someone for the holidays. Under his breath and with his eyes darting both ways he says

“Yeah you could say Im gonna be here for a while…”

Sits down at the long table in the cafe, where people are working on their laptops. He discreetly proceeds to pull out, from his bag, a chopping board. And some garlic. And a knife. He dices up his own garlic in the cafe and then eats it. We look on in horror.

He comes back and does this 2 or 3 more times before we never see him again.

doyouhearthunder

Yeah, that guy was definitely a vampire hunter.

honey-bisc
thewugtest

if youve never physically been in the presence of like, a real live wolf, and you probably wont get the chance to, heres some stuff about them you should know

  • a wolf’s fur is so unbelievably thick that you can get like, your whole hand into it while petting. and then you can keep going
  • wolves are a lot bigger than you think they are. think about how big you think a wolf is then just like double that
  • they dont really smell like dog but they DO smell and youre not going to be able to figure out if its a good smell or not
  • a wolf really wants to lick the inside of your mouth. he will not stop trying to lick the inside of your mouth at any cost, and generally speaking you need to press your lips together kind of tightly when he approaches your face so that he doesnt worm his damn tongue in there to give you what he thinks is an appropriate greeting
  • a wolf doesnt really want to look at you while you pet him but he wants you to pet him. hes embarrassed
  • if a grown ass wolf decides to lay down on you, you just have to deal with it and thats your life now
  • young wolves, much like young dogs, are overwhelmingly goofy and stupid. a teenage wolf will see your very fragile, very human shoulder and go “i can probably step on that with my full weight” and then he will do it
  • letting a wolf eat out of your hand is actually not remotely frightening, and youll want to do it all day
sad-gay-potato

I wanna know who did this research.

thewugtest

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well, i did!

meinenaffenhosen

in the interest of science, have tested & can confirm

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obsessedwithfiction
eelpatrickharris

reasons that i was going 9 mph over the speed limit today: the lumberjack in the big red chevy truck behind me on this double-lined road was in a hurry and also was using a slightly more powerful bluetooth radio to play his music, but he was using the same frequency that i use, and he was just playing Party In The Usa on repeat, so every time he caught up to me my music started fading out and “i pUT MY HANDS UP THEY’RE PLAYIN MY SONG” started blaring from my speakers and i was justly running for my fucking life

truth-is-bitter

WHY AM I LAUGHING SO HARD I JUST KEEP PICTURING SOME POOR SOUL SWEATING AND STARING AT THIS TRUCK IN THEIR REAR VIS MIRROR WITH PARTY IN THE USA PLAYING IS THIS A SCENE FROM AN ACTION MOVIE